Saturday, February 17, 2018
Old Woman's Wedding Song
by Michal
i danced around the holy man's land
laughing all the while
i called to him once, kneeling
he came, then I kissed his hand with a smile
a stranger here, but my home just the same
he's been awaiting my arrival
my slumber, his disdain, yet his patience remained
now he guides me to his aisle
don't worry my love, i'm plain
but yours, my soul you covet no longer.
i've lived good and well, as you can tell
and in readiness we both grew somber
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Michal,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the end rhyme that you have sprinkled throughout your poem. It is tasteful and gives it a musical feel as it rolls off the tongue. You always use your line breaks well to emphasis certain parts of the poem. The only thing I have to add is maybe consider adding a stanza between the first and second. This would give more narrative to the story you are portraying through images.
Great Job!
I’ve read this 8 or 10 times and that last stanza knocks me out every time. I also think something is missing in the story, which I think I understand but am not positive (I get hung on “disdain”). I think otherwise, this is a good first draft to continue exploring.
ReplyDeleteSo, you know how I feel about fairy tales. I read this as a prince kissing a sleeping princess (my slumber/his disdain). I'm probably wrong about this, but I still really love the infrequent rhymes and especially the first two lines of the last stanza.
ReplyDeleteEnjambment. I really enjoyed this poem. Every time I read your work, I don't think I fully grasp the meaning, but I just love them. They are so thought provoking. There are a couple words in here that tripped me up "disdain" and "covet."
ReplyDeleteI love the title. I guess I just wish there were a little bit more context. Other than that, good job!
I don't know why the poetry world has been so hard on rhymes over the past few decades. This poem is a great example of end rhyme working, though it does create the atmosphere for Sarah's comment a bit, so keep that in mind if that's not really what's intended.
ReplyDeleteAs always, a great display here. The end rhyme works wonderfully, and there isn't a wasted word or break here. I will echo Cory, though, in thinking that there could be more here. For whatever reason, I find myself wanting another stanza after the second to bridge it to the end and round everything out
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